How Do We Figure Out If We’re In A Cycle?

The Negative Cycle

Do you ever notice that you are having the same argument again? 

Or find yourself stuck in recognisable relationship patterns? 

Regardless of how many times you and your partner talk things through, do you still feel like things are unresolved? 

Most of us get stuck in a pattern of relating or what we call a negative cycle. 

Couples often enter therapy because of repetitive arguments/fights or a lack of connection. More often than not, the triggers that spark the arguments/fights or create distance are very similar.

What Is A Negative Cycle?

In Emotionally Focused Therapy we have identified common relationship patterns that we call a negative cycle.

In a nutshell - The way we respond to disconnection and distress, often unintentionally, creates more disconnection and distress. This becomes a self-sustaining downward spiral of interacting that feels inescapable.

The more I ...
The more you ...
and off we go ...

While the content is unique, the process is very similar. 

Each time we are drawn into this cycle, we both inflict and sustain damage, until we feel like we are living in the wreckage of what was once our loving relationship.

When you begin to identify your negative cycle, you can choose to address this common enemy together, rather than both falling victim to it, over and over again.

Common Negative Cycles

Although your negative cycle is unique to your relationship, and influenced by factors such as personality, past incidences of trauma, childhood dynamics and even past relationships - There are three main patterns;

Find the Bad Guy

Pursue - Withdraw

Avoid - Avoid

Find The Bad Guy

In this cycle, we blame each other for issues within the relationship. Unfortunately, this often escalates into name-calling, hostility or other negative reactions. This constant finger pointing seems to say, “It’s all your fault.”

This negative cycle is hard to maintain as it takes constant energy. Consequently, this is seen most with partners who have more assertive and strong personalities. Typically, as one of us burns out, it begins to look like one of the other two cycles below.

“Find the Bad Guy” is a quickly escalating cycle. As one of us accuses, the other blames back. We fight to be right, continuously point fingers, and bring up evidence about who’s more wrong.

This cycle is unproductive—as one blames, the other blames back and round and round we go.

Rarely in this pattern do we share internal vulnerable emotions. We both feel misunderstood and attacked, and continue to call each other out.

Pursue & Withdraw                                                                 

Most of us tend to find ourselves in this popular negative cycle of interaction. It appears like a nonconsensual game of tag—as one of us constantly chases, the other constantly runs.

The pursuer in this cycle fights to bring closeness and connection in the relationship. They are usually the first to notice any signs of relationship distance. They sound the alarm and attack the problem. Think of them like protesters. They want to fight against separation.

Unfortunately, because of the strategies partners like this use, they often get villainized. They look aggressive, blaming, or lecturing. Pursuers tend to use tone, volume and assertiveness to advocate for their bond.

The withdrawer in this cycle looks almost the opposite. Their intention is to buckle down and prevent things from getting worse in the relationship. They typically are very anxious and want to fix things and make it all better, on the inside. However, on the outside this looks very different.

Withdrawers tend to get silent, avoid, leave and even curl up with their body to shut down any more negative interactions. Occasionally this can look like subject changes, or using humour, however, often to the pursuer it can feel dismissing or at worst, abandoning.

The more the pursuer protests the disconnection; the more the withdrawer gets worried and avoids the reactivity to protect from further damage. The more the withdrawer side steps, the more the pursuer has to get louder. The more the pursuer protests, the more the withdrawer checks out.

Avoid—Avoid

This cycle is more rare and is most dangerous, as it is prone to detachment because of its silent, but deadly nature. However, this negative cycle mostly occurs when the pursuing partner starts to burn out and is too tired to protest anymore.

With this negative cycle, both partners are withdrawn. Neither is fighting for connection in the relationship. Quietly, they are both checking out, emotionally shutting down, and drifting apart.

The more one shies away, the more the other sees that as a sign of disconnection and their cue to be more independent and vice versa. Slowly, and silently, they become more and more disengaged.

While on the outside these couples tend to seem very reserved, shy and polite, on the inside they are typically brooding with resentment and unacknowledged emotional needs.

This cycle is the most risky. Most partners get here as a last resort after tons of failed attempts and exhaustion.

How Do We Shift Out Of These Patterns?

The first step is to understand your dance. It’s important to be able to identify when you and your partner start to fall victim to a negative cycle. This dynamic has been sneaking up on you for weeks, months, or sometimes even years. Remember, it might be difficult to recognize it at first.

The goal is to notice how you get stuck in that cycle, so you can start to team up against it. The negative cycle is your enemy, not your partner!

Next, in order to shift out of this cycle you need two important ingredients—vulnerability and authenticity. The dance you find yourself in is completely superficial. Rarely, if ever, is there deep emotional connection.

Your reactivity fuels this self-sustaining loop in the form of icy shutdowns or fiery start-ups. By taking a vulnerable risk and showing your partner what’s behind your actions in the cycle you can break this pattern. 

Doing Something Different.

It takes bravery to drop your weapons and defences in your negative cycle. It’s like empathy and vulnerability expert Brene Brown often states, “Courage over comfort.” The ways you have been trying to make things better have been  ineffective and feel like you keep missing the connection. 

It’s crucial to understand why you think you need these responses in your relationship. 

Identifying and sharing with your partner what it is that makes you feel so unsafe/unheard/unseen and what you are hoping happens between the two of you is important.

Are you trying to get your partner to understand your pain so that it won’t keep hurting?

 Is it just plain terrifying when it feels like you are not seen, heard, or understood - That you need to do something to get their attention?

Do you worry if you don’t fight that no one will?

If you don’t share these reasons with your partner, you run the risk of your actions in the cycle being villainized. You need to offer them a softer view of your efforts and what they are intending to accomplish.

Do you fear if you get it wrong that you will lose them? Is that why you go quiet?

Do you worry if you spoke up they might not understand or even worse, decide they don’t want you anymore?

Are you nervous you could fail them?

We need to know and express our intentions, and allow our fears and pain to be seen. This changes the tone of the exchange. We can comfort each other in these times of insecurity, and overpower this negative cycle.

The Ideal Picture

Although it would be lovely if you never fought again, that is far too idealistic. Healthy and secure couples still argue. Every couple has a negative cycle unique to their partnership.

The objective of couples counselling is not to rid your relationship of a negative cycle completely. It’s more to help you and your partner learn what to do when a cycle happens, how to de-escalate and stay connected.

Research tells us emotional responsiveness keeps couples secure. 

Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, commonly refers to this as “A.R.E. you there for me?”

Accessibility: Can I reach to you?

Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to be there for me?

Engagement: Do you value me enough to stay close and interactive?

Evidence shows that couples that have these types of conversations can de-escalate their negative cycles and begin to strengthen their relationship.